A Breakfast Conversation: Would You Love Yourself If You Were Fatter?

Tish [00:00:00]:

Would you still accept, embrace and love your body if you were bigger because you're not that fat? Talk about throwing a wrench in my day and sending me into a weird emotional state. That's exactly what that question did when a quote unquote stranger asked me about it. Tune in for today's episode to hear all about it. Hey. Hey. Hey. Welcome to the Unapologetically Fat podcast. I'm your fat host, Tish.

Tish [00:00:34]:

And I would love it if you would leave me a review and subscribe on your favorite podcast app. Alright. So, I had an entirely different episode planned for this week, but I had such an intriguing experience on Tuesday while at my happy place, the beach, that it inspired this episode and I decided to ditch what I had planned and go with this because I was feeling inspired to record it. So Tuesday was my last full day at the beach and I wanted to take full advantage of soaking in all the beach and the sunshine. Because here in the Pacific Northwest, it does a whole lot of raining. So when it's sunny, we tend to get out, excuse me, and take advantage of that. So, I woke up early, I did some client work and then I headed out to grab some breakfast. And here's where things get very interesting.

Tish [00:01:29]:

As I was waiting to be seated, an older woman who happened to also be by herself started chatting with me. We chatted for a few minutes and then she was like, hey, you want to join me for breakfast? And I I can't say that I've ever had breakfast with a stranger before, well, up until now, but I was like, sure, why not? And we had some great conversation. Now, this woman is 67, she's recently widowed, just sold her house and is traveling all across the United States. I love that she is doing this. I mean, in my opinion, that's pretty fucking bad ass. So she was telling me about, you know, when she approached a couple of her friends and was telling her her plan and what she was doing, she said that she was met with a lot of resistance. Now, obviously, her friends love her and care about her and worry about her safety. So she said, you know, they did have some valid concerns, but she said that she actually almost let their fear and their beliefs about why she shouldn't do this get into her head.

Tish [00:02:41]:

So she almost stopped herself from doing this. Anyway, I love that, you know, again, that she's doing this. At 60 7, just lost her husband, getting up, selling your house and basically, you know, packing what you can in your vehicle and traveling across the United States. That's just fucking badass. Anyways, that's not what this podcast is about. It's about the conversation that we had and something that she asked me. So, when the conversation switched to me, I was telling her about what I do as a virtual assistant and how I have a handful of VIP clients and then, I dived into talking about unapologeticallyfat.com and why I'm so freaking passionate about body positivity, radical self love, and taking up space unapologetically. She was so present and genuinely curious about everything that I was telling her.

Tish [00:03:43]:

I wasn't really surprised when she said, can I ask you a question? Now, immediately, in my head, I'm like, oh shit, this isn't going to be good because in the past, not always, but probably 99% of the time, if someone has asked, can I ask you a question? It hasn't been in a very positive way or a very positive thing that they said. So I just immediately jumped to conclusions. And anyways, she now had my attention and I was very curious about what she wanted to ask me. So I was like, yeah, go ahead, ask away. She says, would you still accept, embrace and love yourself if you were bigger because you're not that fat. Okay. So now, this is the very first time in my life someone has ever told me that I'm not that fat. So I got a huge kick out of that, especially because when we went to be seated in a booth, I had to tell her, I don't fit comfortable in a booth, would you mind sitting at a table? So we had just experienced, you know, that exchange and now she's telling me you're not that fat.

Tish [00:05:06]:

Okay. So anyways, back to that question. Would you still accept, embrace and love yourself if you were bigger? Because you're not that fat. It still makes me giggle. So I immediately was like, well, of course, I would. I don't give a shit about a number on the scale. I don't even know what number is on the scale because I don't weigh myself. At the doctor's office, very rarely will my doctor weigh me, but when she does, I stand on the scale backwards because with my eating disorder, weighing myself and knowing a number just fucks with me too much.

Tish [00:05:46]:

So, anyways, I told her I would love myself if I was in a bigger body. Again, because I don't give a shit about a number on the scale or what the fuck, you know, size my jeans, tops, etcetera are. The size of my body has nothing to do with my worth or my value and in fact, it's the least important thing about me. So, you know, we continued chatting and, enjoyed the rest of our time together but once we parted ways and I spent time walking the beach that afternoon, I was really emotional. I could not stop thinking about that question and I didn't stop thinking about it for the rest of the day. It had sent me into such a weird place emotionally that I was Voxering with one of my best friends who is also my mindset coach, Kelly, about it that night. And, you know, I told her, I feel like such an emotional hot mess right now. And she just kind of reminded me that I wasn't really an emotional hot mess.

Tish [00:06:53]:

I was feeling feelings and feelings can be messy but how amazing that I was feeling those feelings because as an alcoholic who has been sober for 10 plus years now, in the past, I wouldn't allow myself to feel feelings and here I was, you know, feeling these feelings around this question that this quote unquote stranger, sure, she wasn't really a stranger because we had chatted and I was joining her for, you know, breakfast, but in the grand scheme of things, she still was a freaking stranger. But, it was just after, you know, Voxering with her, I was kinda like, this is really a beautiful moment. I'm at my happy place and the reason that I think that this happened is because when I'm at the beach, I am so in tune with myself. Now, I know this sounds woo woo, but I really am the beach just does something to me, does something to my soul and I'm just very present and in the moment and open and open minded to things. And, think about all the things that had to line up for this moment to happen. What are the chances that my fiance sent me to the beach as a Mother's Day gift, at that time, what are the chances that I go to this restaurant at that exact moment that she's there? I mean, shit just had to line up for this to happen and again, I'm rabbit trailing. So I'm gonna bring myself back. So, anyways, as I'm chatting with, you know, my friend and mindset coach, Kelly, that night, she had mentioned that maybe I should do some shadow journaling, but, so I was too exhausted to attempt to do any journaling that night.

Tish [00:08:45]:

But, I was woken up at 2:30 a. M. With that question once again eating away at me. Damn it, why? I kept asking myself, why? What is the message in all of this? Why was that question causing so many feelings and why was it causing me to spend so much time and energy on it when I gave her my answer when she had asked me that? So, now we're into Wednesday and that's the day that I was checking out of the hotel to head home. So, later that day, as I left the beach and headed out for, it's about 2 and a half hours to get home. So, you know, during that 2 and a half hours, I think that I finally had some breakthrough as to what was going on around this question. Unfortunately, I'm not ready to talk about that right now, but it quieted my brain and stopped feeling so many feelings around that question. Okay, so on the fat spectrum, yes, there is a fat spectrum, that's a different story for a different day.

Tish [00:09:59]:

I'm considered a mid fat. A mid fat is someone who wears US sizes 20 to 24 or 2x3x. X. So, yes, I'm on the quote unquote smaller side of being fat, which gives me a lot of privilege that someone on the larger end of that fat spectrum doesn't have. For example, I can fly on an airplane without having to buy 2 seats. I don't fucking fit in the seat comfortably, but I fit without having to buy 2 seats. Sometimes, I can sit in a booth. It just depends on the restaurant.

Tish [00:10:33]:

Sometimes, I can buy clothes off the rack at Walmart instead of having to solely rely on plus size stores like Torrid. I share all that because in my head, I was making up that this quote unquote stranger thought, because I'm not that fat, that it was easier to accept, embrace, and love myself in the body I'm in right now. But, oh God, she has no fucking idea how hard I had to work or all the shit, eating disorder included, I had to go through to get to this place where I can look in the mirror and actually love what I see. But I'm also sharing this because that's where a lot of the emotion was coming from. Was it easier for me to love my body right now because it is a smaller sized fat and would I really truly embrace and love my body if I was fatter? I mentioned a few minutes ago that I did have some breakthrough around that question as I traveled back home from the beach. Again, I am not ready to talk about any of that yet, but I want to leave you with 3 things that I know today and that I'm walking away from this experience with. Number 1, bodies change for so many different reasons and whether I'm in a larger or smaller fat body, I can and I will still choose to love myself and not buy into toxic diet culture or society's bullshit body and beauty standards. Number 2, for me, being body positive will always have nothing to do with the size of my body because that's not what it's about anyway and instead, being able to acknowledge, hey, this is the skin I'm in, it's not wrong and it doesn't need fixing.

Tish [00:12:43]:

And number 3, every single individual, regardless of their body size, has in here inherent worth and dignity. Human value is not determined by someone's physical appearance. Those of us in fat bodies are just as capable, talented and deserving of respect and kindness as someone in a thin body. Every single person on this planet deserves to be treated with kindness and respect, simply because we are all fucking human beings. Okay. By the way, that quote unquote stranger's name is Jill. And, Jill, if you happen to catch this episode, I don't know if you'll remember the name of my podcast, but, of course, we talked about it. I just wanna say thank you for the experience that you gave me on Tuesday.

Tish [00:13:38]:

It truly was intriguing and fascinating and I love that you were brave enough to just invite me to have breakfast with you. That's so amazing because I don't know that I would have been brave enough to do that. Anyways, I hope you are off enjoying your road trip again. If you are by chance listening to this, just enjoy your road trip. And I hope you are having the best fucking time of your life because you deserve it. Thanks for listening to another episode of the Unapologetically Fat podcast or welcome if this is your first episode. I hope you enjoyed this week's episode. And if you haven't already, please leave me a review and subscribe on your favorite podcast app.

Tish [00:14:23]:

I will be forever grateful if you do.